Well for those of you who are into this sort of thing you may think Im a little bonkers. If you know me however, chances are you already think Im a little bonkers so whatever.
Let me explain
So I have said for a long time now that Im pretty sure God gave me children to change me. I don't think anyone can argue that having children is life changing right? Well its definitely caused an awful lot of character revealing and refining in my life for sure.
Lately my littlest precious hasn't been sleeping.Really in comparison to a lot of other people I know, I have nothing to complain about. Again, if you know me, you know my love affair with sleep and the deterioration of our relationship since having children. Also, when I have many nights of interrupted, unfulfilled sleep, my suspected fibromyalgia flares up with a vengeance and makes me even more tired, thus creating a continuous cycle. Thanks to my self chosen lack of sleep the last few days of christmas vacation and the crack of dawn mornings inflicted on by littlest angel, I have been in one of those flare ups ( though it is getting better slowly but surely now) The last few days she has been sleeping terribly. Even Josh, who sleeps through everything, has had his share of being up later than usual since she keeps waking just as he wants to go to bed. This morning on her third or fourth wake up, at 316, I angrily stomped downstairs and let her play alone while I stewed inside and growled at nothing in particular and gave God the stink eye. Trust me, giving God the stink eye at 3 am is one of my nicer reactions.
Time out - yes. I get nasty and cranky. I remember a time in my life where I could honestly say I'd never been angry at God. Then I had children. I have had frequent angry words with God. Our relationship is actually stronger with increasing honesty. Not that I feel its a proper reaction. Just saying. I don't do fake. Not anymore. It causes mental breakdowns and relationship problems.
So, I went and griped, summararily ( yep I also make up words. I know at least one of you reading this is sobbing. Yes, Im talking to you :D ) that is. People left encouragement and prayers for me. I definitely felt these. I tell you there is definitely power in prayer. I can almost physically feel it some days. Anyway, I got an email from a friend who was talking about "meditating on a certain verse" and summaraily describing the context in which she was doing so.
and then it hit me
HA! Thats what meditating is.
Now, don't laugh. Obviously there are other ways to meditate than "OM" I knew that thinking about something in your mind as you go about your day is also meditating. For some reason though it didnt click. Until like an hour ago. Suddenly. So thanks Kimberly :)
Then I managed to get to have some bible time. Didn't think that was going to happen. The kids are just miserable, not settling, then settling, then taking turns not settling etc ( which is why im writing blogs....i can't focus when Im constantly interrupted) I decided to read a Stormie Omartian devotional. She was talking about how she used to pray that God would change everyone else, then learned to pray "Change me, God" At the end, she includes a prayer with scripture from psalm 51:
Lord, create in me a clean heart and a right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, and forgiving attitude toward others. Where there is anything that needs to change in me, I pray You would enable that change to happen. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
In another translation spirit is attitude. So I began to think....WHY do I get so viciously angry with lack of sleep? Because I feel like I won't get enough and won't be able to make it through the next day. Well, that hasn't proven to be true. The early morning was rough for sure...sitting there trying to play with the girls and nodding off, but after an hour or so that went away. Clearly an attitude change for me would not just benefit me and my relationship with God, but my children and husband too. So Ive decided to meditate on this verse: :
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Short, sweet and to the point and easy to remember. Lets see how tonight goes. I hope better. I very much dislike being crusty at God. Its so awesome that even when we are frustrated and angry and can't see what he is doing, he is still loving and merciful to us even when we give the stink eye. If you pray, please pray for me and let me know what I can pray for you. Some people say God can't move unless we pray, others that our prayers change nothing but teach us to depend on him. I say its somewhere in the middle. I can definitely tell when others are holding me up in prayer. I would like to expand on this thought but the littlest one has been whining for a bit and im expecting a blow up soon and would like to finish this.
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